DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
and this one
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The Friday File.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.