1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Happy weekend !
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.