My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My brain is a bad influence on me
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I cannot call her anything else now
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.