Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Um … Hot Wings please
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔