“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus