My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?