You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.