Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Proctology is located in A55
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]