The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
This is a true ally.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that