wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I have so many questions.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Life hack
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run