co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.