Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!