11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You Might Also Like
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Labreador