16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you