[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
You Might Also Like
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.