I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I feel it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”