My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!