I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
You Might Also Like
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?