One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.