My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.