“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.