“what that mouth do?” complain
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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up