[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
You Might Also Like
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Does beer think about me too?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough