Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Okay me first
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
then why did i get this email
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.