Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
titanic
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber