Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.