Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
When I said I liked it rough.
✌️
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.