How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?