The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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Accurate
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?