“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I really had high hopes for this year though
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”