If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
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A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”