Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
How times have changed.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
The news in a nutshell.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12