Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Hero horse inspires millions
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Yoga Matt
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name