Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait