me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You Might Also Like
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
In case you needed to hear it:
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.