🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
tinder is all about the long game
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
me as a parent
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.