Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
respect
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
58.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.