True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”