I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine