Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful