Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Dune (2021)
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions