My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Not today
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it