Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.