Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
This is my emotional support knife.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT