If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.