Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.