What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Breaking news:
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”