Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
dutch is not a serious language
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.