if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
💁🏻♂️
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly