“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Nice try, poison.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“Huge”.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?